


Have I not done enough?

by ongsii



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, I cried while making this, M/M, i also hated me while making this, my heart was hurting too, negative comments, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-19 08:00:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16530596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ongsii/pseuds/ongsii
Summary: Guanlin was scrolling through his phone and was reading international Wanna One articles when he stumbled upon negative comments about himself. Luckily, Jihoon was there to comfort him. And also group huuug





	Have I not done enough?

It was a typical Monday evening and the members of the popular boy group Wanna One just arrived home after a cruel day of practicing for their final comeback together as 11 members. The hyung line and Guanlin then reached their dorm first while Ongniel and the rest of maknae line arrived at their own dorm a little later. Jisung took the privilege as the oldest and was able to shower up first, while the other members were resting in their respective rooms. Having the largest room and having no roommate, Guanlin was just scrolling down through his phone, reading the comments about them in their articles. Majority of the ones he read were in English as he was curious what people from other countries besides Korea thinks about their group. However, he stumbled upon some negative comments about himself. He read them over and over again, not sure if he was reading it correctly or he suddenly didn’t know how to comprehend English. 

_‘You would think that Lai Guanlin would improve on his dancing as he’s debuted for more than a year now, but here we have him, his group near disbandment and he still can’t dance for his life’_

_‘Jesus, when will Lai Guanlin ever learn how to properly rap? I can’t even understand his pronunciation. I still don’t understand why he has a lot of fans oomf’_

_‘It’s sad to see that the maknae of Wanna One didn’t get to be better at all. I feel cheated for even cheering him on, thinking he would improve’_

_‘Honestly, I think that he still doesn’t deserve to be in wanna one, like even samuel is more talented than him and he is like a year younger than him ://‘_

_‘I’m still kinda disappointed why that taipei guy was chosen to be part of the group? Like come on, i’ve watched tons of videos and he can’t even get the tempo right in the dance for every single song they have’_

_‘you would think that it’s a survival show, so the ones who would win are the talented ones,,, but no. It’s always the pretty ones ://‘_

_‘i don’t understand why people can’t shut up about their comments sheesh_

Guanlin’s eyes were tearing up, he knew that he was bad at both rapping and dancing. He accepted that fact and which is also the reason why he practiced so hard. His hyungs would tell him to go easy on practice, but since he knew he was lacking in talent, he doubled, tripled, wven quadrupled his effort in getting it. He wanted to be better than he is now. But were all those in vain? That no matter what he does, will he never get better? He seeked for help from his older members, always trying his best to not drag the practice and make it harder on his hyungs. He’s been doing everything he can to be better and actually not drag down his hyungs with all the intense choreogphies they’ve been doing since they started as Wanna One. But alas, it seems that he didn’t improve even a tiny bit. Guanlin’s tears were freely flowing from his eyes now, feeling bad at how he can’t even control his tears. Feeling bad at how he’s actually been dragging down the name of their group. Feeling down at even how much he exerts effort, nothing is enough to make people understand that he can be an idol, that he can dance, that he can rap. Guanlin quietly cried in a fetal position, his phone now forgotten at the side of his bed. 

Guanlin fell asleep while crying, thoughts being flooded with all the negative comments. His brain wasn’t even helping him at all as his anxiety and self-doubt were creeping in again. What would of had happened if he didn’t debut with the members? What if it was Sewoon hyung who got in and not him? They would’ve been more better. He was dragging them all down. 

Morning arrived and the Wanna One members were back at the practice room to review the mew choreography that they did yesterday. Their new title song Bombaram had a very flashy choreography and Guanlin found it harder than usual to keep up. Woojin and Jihoon were already helping him so he wouldn’t get stressed out for not getting it and messing up, but with no avail, after messing up the choreo for more than 2 hours, Guanlin gave out an annoyed grunt and left the practice room. The members stared at the door Guanlin just slammed worriedly, it has been awhile since they have seen Guanlin in such frustration learning a choreography, frustration for not being able to understand the steps quickly. However, out of all the members, Jihoon looked the most worried. Jihoon knew about the weak mental stability of his boyfriend, even after being in Wanna One for more than a year, he knew Guanlin still questioned why he was there. Jihoon suddenly thought to himself, did his anxiety kick in again? 

Jisung told the grouo that they would have a short break, at least until Guanlin have come back to the room. Jihoon took this opportunity to look for his boyfriend around the area, knowing that Guanlin would more or less be near the emergency stairs. Once he reached the nearest stairs, he already saw Guanlin sitting one of the stair cases. He was about to go near him when he suddenly heard sobs from him, Jihoon halted his steps, not knowing what to do. Before his brain could think of anything, his feet automatically brought him beside Guanlin and his arms automatically hugged his boyfriend. Jihoon was muttering sweet words to him, trying to at least calm him down. 

When Guanlin felt someone wrap their arms around him, he grew tense. But realizing that it was Jihoon, he started to relax once again, the tears not even stopping mid-way. He felt so sad that Jihoon had to see this side of him again, it happened once before; just right after debuting, when he heard a group of people speaking in his mother language at how much he sucked. It was Jihoon who helped him through those tough moments, and yet again, it’s still Jihoon who’s here for him now. Guanlin then just stayed in his position and got nearer to Jihoon, crying his heart out again, wanting to release all the stress and hurt he’s been feeling the whole time. He never wanted to cry in front of the other members as he doesn’t want to worry them, Jihoon was only one of the few members he allowed himself to be free and cry. 

Jihoon just hugged him tighter when Guanlin went nearer, wanting to ease Guanlin’s pain even a little through his warmth. He has always hated it whenever he sees the other cry, Guanlin was the type of person to never shed tears and just keeps everything in and he hated that, hated how Jihoon couldn’t do anything for him to feel better. They stayed in that position for awhile when Jihoon realized that the other members might be worried after being gone for a long time without any word. He looked at Guanlin for awhile, not sure if he was ready to face the members with such a puffy face with red eyes. 

“Guanlin-ah, we have to get back now before the others worry about us. We were only given a few minutes to rest” 

“Im ok hyung, you can go practice with the others without me. I don’t think I can practice in this state... i’ll just wait for you guys to finish.... i’ll just stay here” 

Jihoon didn’t like that idea at all, but instead of forcing Guanlin (though he is a little bit tempted to force him out there and go back to practice but he knew nothing he would do will work) he gave him space. Jihoon sighed as he removed his arms around Guanlin, he stood up and said “okay, i’ll go to you after we finish and once we get back to dorms, i’m coming with you guys and we will talk about this later in your room okay?” 

Guanlin looked at him and gave a soft smile (his first smile the whole day) while nodding “i get it hyung, now go and practice” 

Inside the practice room, the members were huddled at the center (while taking quick and small glances at the door if ever Jihoon and Guanlin returns) while talking to each other. 

“Hyung do you know what’s wrong with Guanlinnie? I haven’t seen him smile the whole day and he’s usually a smiley person. HE DIDNT EVEN GREET ANY OF US. HECK EVEN JIHOON. HIS OWN BOYFRIEND.” Daehwi was practically screaming those last two sentences so the nearest member to him (which was Jinyoung) had to cover his mouth in case Guanlin heard outside. 

They all gave each other worried glances once Guanlin didn’t greet them earlier in the morning, but they didn’t talk to Guanlin first as it might be a personal problem and they agreed to only intervene if it gets out of hand. But it was the first time in a long time that Guanlin slammed a door and left without saying a single thing, that was like a unanimous sign for the members to intervene. They allowed Jihoon to go first as he was the boyfriend and Guanlin might tell him something, but it’s been a long time since he left and there are still no signs of the both of them coming back to the practice room. 

“Ok, Daehwi I know you’re worried about Guanlin, and so are the rest of us. We would have intervened already if Jihoon weren’t here today. Once they return, we would confront them okay?” Jisung stated while looking at Daehwi 

The members (specifically Ong, Woojin, Sungwoon, Jaehwan, and Daniel) started to pace back and forth when 10 minutes already passed and there was still no signs of Jihoon and Guanlin. Jinyoung, Minhyun and Jisung was trying to calm Daehwi down as he suddenly had wild thoughts of them being unsafe. Just then, the door creaked and Jihoon went inside the room. It was silent for a few minutes when Minhyun finally broke it with the question “So, where’s Guanlin? Is he ok?” 

Jihoon stared at his members, not knowing what to say. He felt that they needed to know the truth as Guanlin is their maknae. Jihoon shook his head as an answer to the question directed at him. The members then looked more worried than a second ago. 

“What happened to him? Do we have to stop the practice and go to him?” Seongwoo clearly distressed with Jihoon’s answer about Guanlin’s condition asked. Daniel had his hands in Seongwoo’s shoulders in case anything happens, but worry clearly evident in his eye. Evident in every single member’s eyes. 

“Guanlin isn’t going to practice today as he doesn’t feel good but he told us to continue. I don’t think he wants us all to go to him right now, he’s sorting his emotions. Though he did cry just now” 

“No, we’re stopping the practice now. We need to go to Guanlin” As the leader, Jisung decided that he needed to be there for every single one of his members, and especially the younger ones. He knows how hard this industry is, he might have read some comments online, thus his frustration with the choreography. 

It seemed that the other members agrees to what Jisung has just said as they already started lacking their stuff to go home. Jihoon smiled, happy that the members are always ready to be there once another member is feeling down. He can never forget moments like this, it truly feels like a family. Woojin took Jihoon’s stuff while Sungwoon took care of Guanlin’s. Jisung told him to go fetch Guanlin, so right now, he’s on his way to get his baby. 

Once he reached Guanlin, he took his hand and squeezed it as hard as he could. A reminder that he was always here for him. His boyfriend then looked up at him from his sitting, wondering what he was doing here again. “Hyung, didn’t I tell you to go back and practice?” 

“I know Linnie, and here I am telling you that it is over. We’re going home now” 

Jihoon dragged Guanlin out and Guanlin allowed himself to get dragged. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it in the end anyway. They reached the van and he saw that all the members were already there waiting for him. They gave a small smile at him and told the two to hurry up and get inside so that they could reach the dorm faster. They obeyed and got in while the manager drove away. 

The drive home was pretty quiet as everyone but Guanlin was sleeping. He was staring at his phone again, reading the comments over and over again. His grip on Jihoon’s hand reflexively gotten tighter as he didn’t want his tears to spill yet again. Jihoon woke up with the force he felt in his hand, he noticed that Guanlin’s grip on his hand has gotten tighter. He looked at Guanlin, but he didnt notice him. Jihoon quickly took his phone while Guanlin was shocked. His boyfriend then tried to get back his phone but Jihoon was blocking his hands, he made whiney noises that he didn’t mean to make it loud but was able to wake the rest of the members up. Daehwi then took the phone from Jihoon’s hand and read the opened screen. All the words were in English, and Daehwi understood them. 

Daehwi gasped as he read the comments on the screen of Guanlin’s phone. His eyes watering, was this the reason why Jihoon said he cried? The comments were nothing but mean and negative, something that is actually degrading to read. The other members were asking what Daehwi was reading and were asking why are his eyes tearing up. “Hyung, we have to talk later.” That one sentence from Daehwi made the rest shut up. He meant that, he really did and they felt it. 

They finally reached the dorms, they all headed straight to the dorm of the hyung line and Guanlin. Once they were comfortable at the living room, Daehwi finally spoke up. 

“Guanlinnie, tell us the truth. Have you been reading negative comments about yourself lately?” The members all looked at Guanlin expectantly, wanting to know the truth. He nodded his head, eyes stuck on the ground. He didnt want to face the wanna one members right now, he was too embarrassed that they are seeing him in his weak state. Jihoon wrapped his arms around him again, this time his tears are finally threatening to fall. 

“What they all said were true anyways. No matter how much effort I exert to be better in dancing, no one seems to notice. All they see are my flaws. Even the international fans can see it. Hyung? Am i really that unworthy to be an idol? Am i really that untalented? Do i really put down the name of our group and talent that badly? Would the group be better if I didn’t debut together with all of you? If someone with more talent than me like Samuel, would the grouo be better? I’ve done so much, practiced so much and I still don’t get any credit. I can’t even speak Korean properly, no one understands what I’m rapping. I’m just that useless pretty face in this group and I don’t understand why I’m even here anymore. I’m just a 17 year old boy from Taiwan, I just want to talk again in Chinese and feel free. I want to go home and be with my parents and escape this cruel world” 

Guanlin finally broke down, his tears not stopping any time soon. Beside him was Daehwi, he was also crying as he himslef has experienced the backlash of netizens before. He hugged Guanlin while he continued to cry. The hearts of the older ones were breaking. The two maknae has experienced so much negativity in this toxic industry, something that they don’t deserve to experience at such a young age. The two were not even close to the legal age, yet they both act so mature and collected while reading such comments about them. Comments that can ruin a person’s life within seconds. These two are so innocent, they shouldn’t be experiencing this. 

“Guanlinnie, Dont say that hmm, you’re a talented child that has worked your way up to the top. You used to not be able to dance but look at yourself now. You can follow such hard choreographies and you’re keeping up with us. You’re not falling behind at all Linnie. You’re talented, you deserve the stage.” Seongwoo told him. His eyes brimming with unspilled tears. “You already proved others that you can do things that others cant. You practice so hard every day, and each time I see you dance, you always improve and you keep improving until now. Don’t let anything take you away from your dream.” Sungwoon added. 

The rest of the members hugged Guanlin, telling him through this action that they are here for him. “Nothing will be the same if you’re not part of us Linnie. Wanna One would be nothing without you.” 

It was already night and everyone was sleeping at the floor of Guanlin’s room. Pillows and limbs were seen scattered everywhere. Jihoon was resting his head on Guanlin’s arm, staring at his boyfriend while he’s sound asleep (just like every member). Jihoon’s eyes shining brightly as he smiles at Guanlin’s sleeping figure. The dried tears were gone and a small smile was now present in his face. No more sad Guanlin. 

“I’ll always be here Guanlinnie, I’ll never leave you. I love you, sleep tight baby.” With that, Jihoon closed his eyes and let sleep get to him. Tomorrow is a new day, and he knows that Guanlin will finally be smiling again. As they are Wanna One, a family.

**Author's Note:**

> i dont know why I wrote this. like my heart really hurt oomf
> 
> anyways, thank you for reading this one-shot ehe
> 
> follow me in twitter for more updates and idk me ranting about life  
> LET US BE MUTUALS EHE @ongsii


End file.
